I have met so many parents in my practice that are trying their hardest to the right thing by their children. We have so much access to information now that it can be difficult to know what is the “right thing”? Parenting is one of the hardest jobs; from a crying newborn, sleepless nights, toddler tantrums, endless demands, school related issues, independent (however depend) teenagers. It can be difficult to know what the right approach is to manage all these different stages.

When considering early childhood, attachment theory is a well-developed way of thinking about babies and toddlers needs. Apart from their basic needs of food, shelter and warmth, another fundamental need for survival in these early years are the love and care from their caregiver. For babies, the only way to measure if they are being cared for, is if someone is tending to them when they cry. When a baby cries and is met with comfort, overtime comes an understanding that they are safe in the world, because the caregiver has consistently met their needs. For toddlers, these needs become less about their physical vulnerability, and more about their emotional development.

In early childhood brains are developing rapidly, observing and learning from their environment. Young children can feel a wide range of emotions, some of them are big emotions like anger, fear, sadness and jealousy. However, the ability to regulate these emotions come much later, in fact, that is a learned skill. We all had to learn to regulate our big feelings to thrive in relationships, school and work. The prefrontal cortex is a part of the brain responsible for things like decision making, reasoning, prioritizing and logic, its full development only happens around the age of 20.

When big feelings arise, children (or anyone) can become emotionally dysregulated (aka tantrums) and go into fight or flight mode. In order for children to learn to manage these emotions, caregivers need to make sure they are able to regulate their own emotions first (this can be difficult with a screaming toddler), and then help with co-regulation. Emotional regulation helps to calm down the nervous system so it becomes possible to think more clearly again. Overtime, co-regulation will turn into the learned skill of self-regulation.

In practical terms, co-regulation is remaining calm in the presence of the other person’s chaotic behaviour, using a low tone of voice, lowering down to their eye level, making eye contact, being a calm and firm presence even if in silence (sometimes just sitting with). It is possible to maintain strong boundaries while validating someone’s experience (“I can see this is really important to you, and I still can not let you watch anymore TV today/hit your sister/throw your toys). Let’s be honest, sometimes parents do no have the energy to muster this type of response, and what is left is yelling and threatening. After all, how many of us were raised this way? Unfortunately, the reality is that although this may work in the moment, it will not create long-term change. Yelling and sending kids to their room, will not teach them the skills they need to react differently in the future. There are so many interventions that work well in these scenarios, if you would like more practical information, check out the Good Inside podcast with Dr. Becky Kennedy.

And if would like individualized support for yourself, or for parenting little ones, get in touch with us!

Take care,

Maria.